When I cluelessly entered the rooms of recovery, so encased in my own misery, I rarely took anything from the meetings. What I did seem to pick up on was how many people talking about this “number one offender” that seem erode at serenity in life. My head may have been lingering in a hazy dark cloud, but I’m no fool! When something is repeated that frequently, I take notice.
I was introduced to a word, that up until that point in my life seemed to have never caught my attention. The older timers told me I needed be avoid it like the plague. Of course I had heard the word before, but it sure wasn’t a word commonly used in my vocabulary. It’s not that I wasn’t privy to my bull-like aggression in life, I just assumed this flaring characteristic was special and others might do well for themselves to develop it in their very own lives. Sure, nobody seemed to fuck around with me, but Lord knows I wasn’t even close registering on the radar of being well-adjusted to life.
It’s true, some people are clearly sicker than others.
As I approached step four with my sponsor, I truly believe I only had a couple of people that would qualify to make the likes of my list. Let me assure you, my disillusionment was about as pleasurable as passing kidney stones. That tiny list seemed to slowly unravel itself in the matter of hours into an army of 210 people. It’s safe to say the blinders had finally come off, and I had been cordially introduced to resentment, and the chokehold it had on my life.
I thought nothing of my father calling me a bull in a china shop over the years; I wore that badge of aggression with honor. All I really was doing was screaming at the world to keep their distance from me because I was a very sacred little boy.Just another broken man-child, being completely mastered by fear.
Having habitualized techniques to look at and deal differently today, I now live with a totally different connection to the world. The great news for me was that I wasn’t even close to being alone with this internal torment. Humanity has struggled to deal with this very normal human emotion for thousands of years, and I doubt it will be going anywhere soon. It makes sense why so many spiritual leaders teach on the topic globally.
James, the brother of Jesus Christ, offers his thoughts on the topic: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of a man does not produce the righteousness of God”. – ESV James 1:19-20
For those of you who are starting to develop, or even further your own conscious contact with God, let this serve as loving reminder to start uncovering your own stages of anger today. To help get you in the spirit, listen to the wise words of Dr. Twerski in this quick 4 minute video.
The feeling of anger, I call anger. The reaction to anger, I call rage. And the hanging on to the anger, is called resentment. -Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski
…this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found it fatal. For when harbouring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. -p.66 AA Big Book