10 Tips To Stop You From Wasting Your Life On Facebook

7 a.m. strikes with a vengeance and my alarm starts buzzing. My mind starts racing before I peel the covers off the bed. Where does my hand go first? Does my brain send the typical signal to scratch a certain area of the body? no, my hand reaches across to the nightstand to find  my most highly regarded possession. As I glance over I see the message indicator blinking and a I am drawn in with excitement to see who has attempted to connect me overnight. I think to myself, how did people ever live without cell phones before? Who wouldn’t want to receive some sweet sweet social validation every morning through the connection of social media? If I haven’t click the  ‘like’ button at least five times on Facebook before I make my way to the washroom I feel out of sorts for the day. I have become so attached to social feeds that I forget what it feels like to be free from it all. #FirstWorld-ProblemO

The sad reality is that I have been wasting far too much time on Facebook over the last few years and I need out of this trap. Yes In reality we all seek a little validation from our friends from time to time, but to engage in this social lubrication every morning before I leave my bed is a bit overboard. When the rare day comes around (and I mean very rare because I’m funny as hell) and I don’t wake up to any notifications on my Facebook app a small part of me dies on the inside. Clearly my presentation to the world of my quasi-delusional life wasn’t nearly as exciting as I hoped for and my journey to reward myself with external validation will need to be stepped up. I mean, is it too much to ask for me to be “The Man” everyday with the most comments per status update?

Then it hits me hard, maybe my highly vocalized opinions aren’t quite as important as I make them out to be in my head.  And maybe the beautifully crafted Instagram pictures I show off to the world in my display picture aren’t a completely fair depiction of my real life self, but more of a slightly better version of me that portrays a man with much less cosmetic flaws and better skin tone (Oh, the vanity, lord help me!). To think that I never have to upload a picture of myself that shows my natural facial imperfections and lack of muscular physique is very relieving. The sad part is I slowly start wishing that I was this very well rounded character that I have shaped to the world and not my true self filled with imperfection. Is it too late to go back to the all natural me? I can’t just cancel my account and fill my day with productive tasks filled with substance, can I? People expect my brilliance to shine through everyday online and I don’t want to let them down do I?

It gets tricky here doesn’t it? We all have invested so much time in our social profiles that letting go and moving back to reality seems like an overwhelming task, usually followed by separation anxiety after the final disconnect. Don’t you dare think for a second that the vigilante posse at Facebook doesn’t know about these powerful tricks of social engineering, because they do, and could probably write a New York Times best seller on the manipulation.

Then again this post may be completely unrelated to you, due to your strong sense of self and ability to live above the confusion of it all. Fine sir or madame if this be the case, I tip my hat to you. But if any of this does send a slight relatable tingle down your spine, chances are you might be slightly attached to your Facebook account and need some time apart. Come back to the reality of your life (scary, I know!), you will be amazed at all your extra free time you now have.

To make it easy for you I have taken the time to set aside a few helpful hints that may guide you back to reality with ease. The tips I have come across will really reduce your separation anxiety and make the transition away from the most prolific time sucks out there. Today is your day! Lucky you, lucky you!

PUT THE PHONE DOWN – FACEBOOK ISN’T GOING ANYWHERE!

10 Tips To Stop You From Wasting Your Life On Facebook(FB)

[1] Realize that FB is a business first and foremost, profit their number one objective (and by means necessary, privacy and confidentially need not always apply). Every second you spend on FB you help Zuckerberg and his vigilante posse rake in the loot! Why not spend that time and energy building your own business and investing into your own financial progression.

[2] Admit it or not you probably spend at least 30-60 minutes a day on FB. Take a minute to do some simple weekly calculations and you will be amazed at the time suck. You probably check your FB once an hour on average. Even if you spend only a couple minutes each hour returning messages, pressing the ‘like’ button or uploading images it all adds up rather quickly. In one week you would easily free up five solid hours that you could be dedicating to something more rewarding. I know, I know, it’s rather gross, isn’t it!

Pause here for a second, I just have to go update my status quickly about this sweet post I’m writing. #hypemachine.

…. and I’m back

[3] Hire someone at your place of work to slap every employee who logs on during the work day. Negative reinforcement has been scientifically proven to be effective in behavioural modification for years. Let’s put a stop to that time drain today with a helping hand (or backhand) of encouragement. I know a few people who would be great for this position so feel free to contact on the Twitter machine for any recommendations.

[4] News flash – All those 500 friends of you have on your list don’t really care about you and your life. They spend most of their own day in self-obsession as well. You don’t need to partake in the ‘like’ game or comment fest each day. I know it’s a sad realization that your two cents are rarely warranted, but you will get over it buttercup!

[5] You are stuck in the validation game where only losers prevail. Do you ever question why you really pressed the like button on your friend 16th selfie upload this week? Is it that you really enjoyed the photographic creativity, or is there something going on here that influenced your admiration? Maybe even this type of thought enters your mind,  “if I like Becky’s photo today hopefully she will feel unconsciously pressured to reciprocate this phony flattery the next time I upload a picture”. See what I mean by a losers game?

[6] A puppy dies every single time you upload a selfie. Be the change you want to see in the world and stop killing puppies!

[7] Realize how unhealthy it is to be snooping through everyones business all the time. Do you find yourself comparing your perceived mundane life with other peoples lives that are showcased as glamorous on FB? FACT #1 – It is all a show, the nitty-gritty cold hard facts of it all is that their lives are just as normal and filled with the same insecurities as the next guy. It is always just smoke and mirrors. FACT #2 – There is nothing wrong with you or your life.

[8] Your FarmVille account needs to be shutdown immediately. For Christ’s sake, read a book if you are that bored.

[9] Those girls you are fantasizing about and creeping on all the time are never as attractive in person. For the most part, if you woke up beside them on a typical morning with no makeup, you would probably shriek and run for the hills. Lighting, stylists, and makeup can turn a run of the mill mule into the prettiest princess in a flash, so please don’t be fooled! #false-advertising

[10] Reading several scenic pictures with motivating quotes written all over them doesn’t actually make you a more successful noble person. It turns out it takes more work than that to be well rounded in life. #sad-fact-of-life