For months now I have been sleeping 10 to 12 hours a day. I continue to not to look for work. I continue not to really socialize with many people or challenge myself with a lot of change. I still do not have a plan on what I want to do with my life. I still have no exit strategy for leaving mom and dads home and living off of welfare. I still somehow go about my days and life as if there isn’t anything wrong with my life, when there is. Failure and not living a full life has become my norm. Apart from staying sober, which is all I have to show for most days, I wonder if I will ever be truly worthy of praise or success. I don’t contribute to any projects that make this world a better place. I don’t try and sell people things so I can better myself better off, leaning towards some form of financial independence.
I tell myself that it makes me feel uncomfortable to sell people things, basically meaning I would rather do without than have to sell. I would rather do without than to go to work at a job I don’t like and for a company I don’t believe in. If I were to be honest with myself I will probably stay on welfare for the rest of my life. I could blame my antidepressants for taking away energy to thrive. I could blame mom and dad for not being harder on me, or not working harder themselves in their own lives, but that wouldn’t work either. I can continue to pass the blame to things and people outside of myself, and I will continue to keep on getting the same pitiful results. The responsibility resides within me to correct this lie I have settled into. I’ve settled into a lie that I don’t have to believe in myself, and that I don’t need to work, and that I’m okay with living with feeling insignificant. What really is going on is that I’m too scared to be rejected again. I also think that it is not possible to have a new experience, nor do I even allow for the possibility of it.
I sit month after month, day after day, like I have for the most part of my 7 years of sobriety, just waiting for the hand of God. I have such massive doubt about my life changing apart from heavenly intervention from God. All I seem to do is find other ways to remain stuck, and decieve myself into believing that it’s fine. It is quite selfish because my family suffers from my inaction. No parent wants their child to go through what I have gone through, and to be living like how I have been living. 34 years of age, with no job, no job opportunities in the near future, no real desire to even get a job, no real excitement in life, no wife, no children, and did I meniton student loan debt. I have no serious plans on furthering my education to increase my prospects at getting a job, and I have no real business plans that could actually make me money. I just sit for the most part and hope that wealth and a career will just be provided for me from the Heavens.
What I don’t really understand is how I have come to have so much peace with living like this. How is it that I’ve got to a place where Im so discouraged in life, and lack so much confidence in myself, carrying so much fear about working that I stay in bed most of my days. From a fact based view on my life, the majority of the time spent awake would be allocated to me laying in bed. I ooze with apathy. I really feel at a loss for words or understanding of where I’m at. I wonder if I will ever have enthusiasm for second chance at a career-life. I say I want a wife and children, but how would I ever be able to support children and a wife? Do I continue to expect to live off of the support of other people? Even writing this, I feel totally ashamed and disappointment with myself. I can’t say I know anyone who wants me to live like this, and I’m fairly certain that God wouldn’t want me to live like this either. A lot of me wants to blame my circumstances on my mental health and the medication they give me, purely a victim of circumstances. It’s been so long since I’ve felt normal. Will I ever get to experience life without toxic pharmaceuticals flowing through my mind and body?
I have wanted to write something for a while now, but continue to procrastinate and avoid. I guess it’s that apathy again that says whats the point? Nothing seems to work. My baseline, and normal way of living is in failure, and I’ve mostly surrendered to it. I wish I could say that I’m at peace with it, and continue to say that money doesn’t motivate me, but I that isn’t entirely true. It is just another way self-deception dominates me. My sensitivity to the bad work experiences of the past have led my consciousness to do anything it can to avoid further experiences of potential failure. I feel like i’m so defeated right now. A lot of people would read this and think, wow, he must be really depressed. But, I don’t really feel that way. I still want to live. I still want to experience things and still do recognize many awesome things in my life. I do feel fortunate for things in my life too. I don’t think about killing myself or wanting to be dead. I still enjoy interacting with people and friends too. I don’t know what to think about my life any more. I guess I justify how I live too because so many people around the world would still probably love to have my life, even though the people I grew up with would consider me as a failure. I don’t know if I’m being totally ridiculous, but I God works miracles, and this is the one thing I still haven’t lost hope in.