Release me from this everlasting pain I feel when I am without love. Give me the love of my life. Give me someone to love. Let me live in peace with this love and let our love grow into something based in perfect trust. Let me soak in that safety and security of that love. Validate me through this love. Let our love flourish into something I could have never imagined. Let me love.
I’ve been ruminating quite irrationally about love lately. My faith that the universe will provide me with the apple of my eye seems to be at an all time low. Lord, free me from that persistence state of lack I find myself bathing in as of late.
I seem to fair terribly while alone. I am weak. Pain of the past closes my heart off from others. I am terrified to trust again, at the same time the idea of being alone suffocates me too. Why do I say I trust God, yet witness my reservation to let go in this area of my life?
That visceral emotional response associated with love carries such a radiating potency, unlike anything I have ever felt. While I have matured in my motives with the opposite sex, my courage remains infantile in measure.
The love of a women completes me in a way that words fail to summarize with sufficient depth.
As I reflect over my life, perceived necessities have always seemed to have stirred up a relentless rumination of the mind, something that is only settled by the obtainment my desire. That feeling of completion I love to soak in after a successful hunt and chase is addictive.
The activation of that mislead lie of lack sets a blaze of inferiority within. No matter the investment of self-exploration, or time spent in stillness, the emptiness appears to only be filled by once again seeking out another object of my affection. I know they can’t heal me. I know the reward is short-lived, but I can’t seem to resist the pull. By winning, I lose. In fulfilling my needs, I feed into the lie. A reinforcement cycle that Pavlov himself would be proud of.
Could it be possible that I stand alone in this toxic grapple with the opposite sex?
While reading this, you may recognize similar patterns within yourself. The acknowledge of this imperfection may quickly be followed by a dismissal of ownership, because the recognition this dark part of the soul is often too hard to swallow.
I have been witness to this unpleasant gravitational pull for years now, and regularly feel little progress had been made. It is far from forward motion on this journey surrounding this vital human drive. The countering to this taxing battle comes in waves as I summon enough courage to trust, to trust that maybe I don’t know what is best for me. To be able to factor in all the variabilities that need to be in alignment for love to spark is far out of my computational power, even though I pretend it not to be.
I am the creation and not the creator. The resistance of this simple fact is indicative of my suffering. Today, I accept that reality, but tomorrow will greet me with whole new level self-will I will need to wrestle into submission all over again.
While resisting life, I block life’s flow. In blocking the flow of life, I block love from my life. Without love, there is no life.
Resist not my friends.