The life of a content creator most certainly has its ebbs and flows, much like many things in life. As of recent, I have deliberately forced an ebb in hopes of inspiring a new path of vocational pursuit. It’s not that I have been wanting to withhold from you any of my journey, it’s just that I have been in the habit of making this website a priority over earning money far too often, and that unfortunately brings forth its own degree of struggle and responsibility.
For several years now, dating back to 2012, I have produced all sorts of content on this site. Whether it be serving as an emotional cheer-leader when it comes to your motivation, to the depths of vulnerability through expert opinion in addiction recovery advice, it has been my complete life’s devotion over those years. I have had the pleasure of interacting with many people I may never have crossed paths with had I not started this site, of which I am extremely thankful for, but there is a certain point in one’s life where you have to start paying the piper – so to speak. The admission of failure is quite challenging, especially if you hold a never surrender attitude. There is a deceitful part of you that holds the lie to you so closely that you can only get subtle glimpses of reality.
A couple of years ago I felt drawn to litigation, even though I had finished my business undergrad in 2007. I said what the heck. I wrote the LSAT and applied for Law school. Sadly, I came up short, and the admission committee responded to my long application with, “due to the high degree of competition applicants this year we will be unable to hold offer you a place in our program”. This gift of rejection hit me hard and forced me to look into the what and where I evaluate my self-worth from. In short, I lost a tremendous amount of confidence in myself. These low vibes lingered in my spirit for the better part of 6 months.
Two years have passed since my application being a lawyer somehow still draws my attention. I just hope the motivation isn’t some form of hubris masquerading itself in the form of desire to serve others civilly. I have been recently looking into the mediation side of things, which of course has much fewer barriers to entry, but for the most part is a very unregulated field. This terrifies me. Typically, in life I have found that when there are few barriers to entry in the pursuit of a career, that generally means there will be few rewards in-store for your efforts made. As I mentioned earlier, finances have become much more of a priority in life than they ever have been in the past. Not because I want to be rich, but rather, because I want to be more free.
Exercising this highly underdeveloped muscle for me has begun to create a lot of discomfort, a pain that hopefully morphs into something that eventually brings forth a new elevation to my life.
Due to several factors, and the holidays, I felt the need to walk away from this website for a couple months, in hopes of re-centering myself. Interestingly enough, the forced shift in my perspective hasn’t been quite as forth coming as I had predicted, if anything I feel like I’m slightly spinning my wheels. I constantly have to remind myself through affirmation that this is all part of my journey, and I’m right on schedule. Regardless of the thoughts of inadequacy that bombard my consciousness, the path for me must only be forward.
The pressure to impress others still hasn’t fully exhausted itself yet. I guess the toxic feedback loop of external validation has a tighter grip on my psyche than initially predicted. At 33 years of age, and over a decade of education on the root and branch of this issue, the white flag of defeat is still raised in surrender from time to time. I still have to offer myself some praise in the progress side of things, regardless of how obtuse the progress appears.
The only other thing that has excited me for a career is what I have been doing with this website – encouragement hopefully some degree of discernment in the lives of others. To be able to shorten the time people spend in suffering due to ignorance, or simply lack of self-belief, makes me feel alive. I seem to be activated from an unrelenting well of energy source within that I had no part in manufacturing. Whenever I’m coaching, mentoring, counseling or just intently listening to someone else revealing themselves my eyes sharpen and my ears widen.
After spending a few hundred dollars to host this site again for another year, regardless of what arises in my life, it would be foolish not to continue to invest myself into something that makes me feel alive, and hopefully helps others along their own path.
I will continue in this expression, and will commit to you at least one or two uploads a month. I also wanted to take this time to give a HUGE shout-out to my readership, without you this process wouldn’t be nearly as meaningful to me. You are loved!