Birthing Something Fierce

The last two weeks have unearthed something inside of me, and the feelings associated with this fierce birthing are terrible. I have the vague sense that something great inside of me is shifting. As experienced many times in the past as I grow, emotional Pain seems to be reverberate through my being. Physically there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. Mentally, my emotions seem to be erupting through me like Yosemite Sam. I’m about to blow!

Fortunately for me, I recognize what is going on. I’ve been through tough emotional spots many times before, and my desire to escape them aren’t are loud. I fully recognize that this too shall pass. I’m witness to my typical avoidance behaviours. They are insane.

Attempting to spend my way to reach a change emotional state has always worked for me in the past, but it is never lasting. Knowing just how futile and destructive that has been in my life, I kibosh that dim-witted train of thought rather quickly. This hasn’t always been the case, my credit card statements of the past would outline that. Instead of leaning further into the pain, to discover whatever it is I’m potentially resisting, I unconsciously decided the next best thing to purchasing a pleasurable state was to seek out the attention of the opposite sex. This too is a failed venture that rarely ever has paid me dividends.

Rationalization is giving a socially acceptable reason for socially unacceptable behaviour, and socially unacceptable behaviour is a form of insanity. p.550 Big Book

One definition for the word insanity is, “extreme foolishness; folly; senselessness; foolhardiness”. My thinking this week has most certainly been submerged in folly.

Example: I should sell my current vehicle and buy a Range Rover. Keep in mind, currently there really isn’t wrong with my car, except a slight leak in a seal, so when it rains a lot so water get into the floor of the car. I’m fairly mechanically minded and will be able to fix this myself for probably no more than $50, tops. My car drives fine. It doesn’t need new tires, brakes, belts or any other serious maintenance. It is incredible on gas, which is great for me because I drive a tone of miles every week, not to mention its high reliability factor. But nonetheless, I somehow had almost convinced myself that life was too short to drive a vehicle I didn’t love. And, of course in the long run I would be probably saving myself money because it’s only a matter of time before something big goes wrong with my car, right?  

Facts: Current car is driving well. It has been very reliable. It is quite affordable to maintain. This purchase will certainly cost me several thousands of dollars of disposable income that I just don’t have right now. I have already owned a Range Rover – they are not reliable.

Insane Rationalization: Buy an expensive SUV because I want to be up higher while driving. There is a slight leak when it pours out due to some faulty $30-50 seal. Let’s not forget that eventually I will have to fix something expensive like a clutch, that may or may not break down at some future point in time that could cost me $1000. Therefore it is almost mandatory that I buy this extravagant vehicle, in hopes of potentially avoiding having to spend $1000 on some future issue that may or may occur. It’s pragmatic for goodness sakes!

Not only did I have myself completely sold on my rationale, I seemed to have sold my father on the purchase too. Why would I stretch my limits of logic so far you ask? My mind did this simply to avoid temporary emotional low spots. My delusional thinking is rather impressive in its creative ability. You are reading this thinking to yourself how ridiculous my thinking was, and you’d be right, but during the moment I had it all formulated in my mind, I couldn’t see it at all. Welcome to the thought-life of an Alcoholic. The words spoken by Kanye West, “things we buy to cover up what’s inside”, from the song All Falls Down, outline the crux of the problem many of us face ignorantly.

…the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body. p.23 Big Book

I hold this fact at the forefront of my mind, using it as a gentle reminder of the importance of getting out of self. Often the misunderstood pain I’m trying to avoid in life can be easily witnessed and resolved with the help of shift of perspective given by a caring confident. The pain associated with growth in life is temporary, but many solutions last indefinitely, if only I am willing to put them into practice.